Life on medication

Living on medication.

Right at this moment I am feeling pretty sick. I feel like I have felt when I am trying to ween myself off of antidepressants. I feel nauseous, dizzy and I can't stop sweating although it is not hot.

I have spent most of my adult life on medication mostly antidepressants, but I have taken various mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics and stuff for panic attacks as well.

Most of the medication I have taken and am currently taking have pretty shitty side effects.

I am not really sure why I am feeling like I am having antidepressant withdrawals, well I do, I missed my meds on Saturday night, but usually I have to miss it a few days before the withdrawal kicks in. I have been having mild symptoms for a couple of weeks now and so I am wondering whether it might be time to come off of one of them.

I take two different types of antidepressants, as well as lithium, and I was supposed to ween
myself off of the Avanza but I got down to 15mg and my mood started to slip so I had to re-increase it back up to 30mg, which is still pretty good considering I was taking 90mg and the
recommended maximum dose should be 60mg.

But they all suck.

I've gained heaps of weight, mainly due to the meds and I can't loose it even if I am on a
diet. I wen't on Weight Watchers for over 12 weeks and only lost a couple of kilos. One of my
doctors told me that one of the medications I am on actually doubles the size of the fat cells
in the body.

They affect my energy levels as well. I feel tired and lethargic most of the time, which makes
it hard to do things including exercise and that doesn't help with the weight issue.

My concentration has been affected I can't read books like I used to, which is a huge loss for
me because I love literature.

And now I feel dizzy and nauseous.

I hate taking the medication but I know I have to. Life off medication is much worse than life
on it. I would rather be chubby and happy that thin and want to kill myself. And as terrible
of a thing that is to say that is my reality, those are my alternatives.

People say to me, "there must be a natural way? Those chemicals can't be good for you" and I
have tried the natural way and the natural way leads to hospitalisation and ECT ( electro
convulsive therapy) and I don't want to end up there again if I can avoid it.

It frustrates me that the people around me don't understand that the medication has these side
effects and can leave me feeling pretty flat at times. And it is even more frustrating when
people think that it mind over matter and that if I can't make myself well with the power of
my mind then it is just because I am weak.

Let's think about that idea for a moment ... Tell a depressed person that they are weak
because they can't think themselves out of being depressed ... It is ridiculous and it makes
me angry. When a person is depressed they already think they are the most worthless piece of
shit that ever walked the earth, so telling them they must be weak for not being able to think
themselves well is just adding to their problems.

So I have prepared myself for a lifetime on medication and some days that does get me down but
not as down as I would get without the

In life we all must make sacrifices, none of us can go through life never having to give
anything up or making unpleasant choices and taking medication is one of my unpleasant choices
and I have to live with the sacrifices ...

Excessive weight gain ...

Lethargy ...

Reduced concentration ...

Dizziness ...

Sweats ...

Nausea ...

But the reality is I have Bipolar 2 and there is no cure for it, I will have it for the rest
of my life.  Because of these facts I have limited options and taking medication is the best
option for me because I want to live a happy life. And the truth of the matter is a medicated
life means a happy life and a non-medicated life means no life. Because without medication I
don't know if I would be alive.

Shouldn't we all do what our heart desires?

I know some people wonder why I do not work. And I know some other people think because both of my children are at school I should get a job. So I wanted to clear the issue up for those people and for anyone else who is interested.

I do.

I am a writer

An artist

and most important I am a mother.

And I work pretty hard at all of these jobs.

 I know that my work is not bringing in money but I believe if I keep working at it I will start earning. I could get a conventional job that would bring in some money but I would be limited in what I can do because my skills and all of my training are in the arts and jobs in that field are few and far between.

 Then there is the issue of my mental health that I have to consider. I am well at the moment. But stress triggers mood episodes and because of this the doctors have advised me to lead as stress free life as possible. I know myself well enough to know that doing a job I do not enjoy would stress me. And I am not willing to make myself sick for money.

 What are my plans?

I have a book of poems with a publisher that is going to be published early next year and I will earn a small commission from the sales of that book. Once that book has been published I am then in a good position to apply for a grant to work on my next book and there are grants available in Australia for up to $40,000.

There are many art prizes also in Australia so I am planning to start entering in those too even I if I don't win it is a good way of networking and getting exposure.

As a family we want to become as self sufficient as possible and that will require work on my part also.

Lastly my most important job, being a mum. It is very important to me to always be available, physically and emotionally for my girls. They are only children for a comparatively short time and I want to be there for of as much of it as I can. I also want my children to grow up believing you can follow your hearts desires.

Shouldn't we all strive to do what is important to us and what we enjoy?

Becoming a blogger and who I am as a writer

This is all new to me, the whole blogging thing and I am not sure what my goals and objectives are for starting up this blog. I quess I am hoping to establish an online presences as a writer but i am also hoping that this blog gives me an alternative platform for delivering my writing to the world.
The sort of subjects that I will be writing about will be poetry, art because I am also a visual artist, I will post pictures of artwork on here also. I will write about living with mental illness because I suffer from Bipolar 2. I will write about animals, nature and living in the country. And anything that I feel passionately about

Anyway, the blog is a work in progress and I will include more as I figure out more.

So, on to the first item open for discussion.... Who am I as a writer?

I am not the most intellectual person, I value education and knowledge highly maybe even above all else, but I am very aware of how much I don't know. As a writer I think I am ok, I don't think that I am exceptional but the feedback I get from others is usually pretty good so I don't really know how good my self assessment skills are. I love words, I love learning new words but I do feel that my vocabulary limits my writing sometimes. I have memory issues and find it difficult to remember many of the new words I learn. I don't know if my poor memory is due to medication or the Electro Convulsive Therapy I have had or I just have a poor memory, everybody I talk to about it has a different opinion so I don't bring it up too often. I have got off track. I was trying to define who I am as a writer. I am a poet mainly, I like to paint pictures or evoke emotions with words. I find poetry both writing and reading it very satisfying. There tends to be an economy of words in poetry, it gets to the heart quickly and concisely. Good poetry, in my opinion, doesn't waffle it says what needs to be said in as few words as possible. Some people say that writing poetry is easy but it is not, the poet must be able to master their words because they must be able to tell their story in a much shorter timeframe than a short story or a book.